We had the perfect seats (Right Mezzanine, 3rd row) to the hottest show in town, Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed. Bonus: The people in front of us were short (YES!). The house lights dim, the curtain pulls back and the magic starts! The first act is sheer perfection and the crowd cheers uncontrollably! Mid-way through the second act I am totally in the zone as Brian Stokes Mitchell begins to paint himself in black face (oh, it gets real). The audience is silent because we’re all feeling the heaviness of this moment. Then it happens. A phone rings…
I think that most people who know me would describe me as a patient, kind, considerate person; the lady whose phone went off right next to me that night DON’T KNOW ME. In fact, she encountered someone who was the polar opposite of the aforementioned individual with those endearing qualities. She encountered a very judgmental, easily angered and disgusted person. As her phone rang for what felt like forever, she quickly rummaged around in her purse frantically searching for it as I( and everyone else around her) looked on in absolute pissed off-ness. Call it what you want; forgetfulness or utter stupidity. Either way, she completely RUINED that moment for me and everyone else within ear’s shot of her mishap. Though it only lasted about five seconds, it was still horrific.
What happened during that show is becoming increasingly common. I have seen far too many theatrical productions to number; including community, regional and Broadway shows- and I can honestly say that within the last four years there have only been a handful of shows where I did not experience a cell phone making some kind of cringeworthy noise! In fact, a cell phone went off in ALL THREE of the shows I saw in New York that weekend (two on Broadway, one off). Is this something I now have to come to expect during my theater experience?!
If you follow me on social media, you know I rant often on this subject and it’s because I am always genuinely angered and annoyed when I experience it. In fact, the mere mention of a cell phone going off in a theater sends me into a tirade! Seriously, how hard is it to turn off your phone when you KNOW you are going into a show or at the very least silence it?! Who are you that you can not be without your phone for two hours?!
Are you a doctor on call? Then why are you at a show?
Is your wife due to deliver your baby any minute? Then why are you at a show?
Are you Jesus and therefore have to stay on the mainline so people can call you up and tell you what they want? Then WHY ARE YOU AT A SHOW?!?!?!
I seriously want to get up from my seat, walk over to the idiot with the ringing phone and mollywhop or at least Patti Lupone them! How could you be SO tacky, trifling and downright disrespectful to the space, the audience and the actors on stage?! There is a special place in hell for you. A place where cell phones ring non-stop to the tune of “It’s a Small World” and the crackling sound of people slowly trying to open bags of potato chips and M&M’s they bought during intermission!
Speaking of hell; if phone ringers belong there, people who RECORD with their phones belong in the fiery lakes…for all eternity… times two (ain’t no water, bih!). What is the point of coming to enjoy a show if you have to stress about an usher catching you illegally recording the entire thing, or worse, distracting the actors working on stage and ruining the magic they’re providing? This was Lin Manuel-Miranda’s solution when he caught a couple of losers during a Hamilton show…
Here’s MY solution…
A simple announcement at the beginning of a show is clearly not enough for this uncivilized bunch. A more serious action needs to be taken. I suggest a “phone check”. Similar to a “coat check”, audience members should be REQUIRED to check their phones before entering the theater. If your phone goes off during a show or you’re caught taking pictures, you should be FORCED to leave. This may seem harsh, but what is the alternative? In a time when the theater is struggling with the acceptance of technology- not knowing exactly how or if it should move forward into the digital age- this issue only makes that journey forward look less appealing. There is so much opportunity to bring in more consumers. Aside from simply producing more diverse content (had to sneak that in here), recording and distributing or even live streaming shows would introduce an entirely new audience to the world of theatre, but first we HAVE to get this phone thing under control.
So in closing I’d just like to leave you with a few pearls of theatre advice:
Don’t eat snacks during a show. YES, WE CAN HEAR YOU CHEWING.
Don’t judge audience members who rap along to Hamilton. You should be ashamed that YOU don’t know all of the lyrics.
And lastly, TURN OFF YOUR DAMN PHONE!!!
Thank you.
